Freeze Response

One day I opened my mailbox and there was an e-mail from Hannah Fierman. You remember her, I spoke of her memorable performance in V/H/S. Now when I wrote that, did I have any idea she would contact me and extend her appreciation? No. I write this blog like no one's reading it (and most of you aren't -- you just want pictures of Morgan Smith Goodwin). So when I saw her e-mail (assuming it's not a spoof), I was like, uh... uh... uh...

Cue excuse to put up more Hannah Fierman pix

Cause what do you say to something like that? I mean, I've seen this person's boobs! The only other boobs I've seen who've belonged to someone who communicated with me are my wife's. Granted, her boobs were coated in red food coloring and corn syrup at the time (Ms. Fierman's, not my wife's), but the principle is the same.

And the reason I bring this up is just to talk about my introversion. I get a freeze response whenever I see/meet a celebrity. (Actually, I get a freeze response whenever I meet anyone, but especially celebrities). On my last Meyers-Briggs test, I got a 99% for introversion. That's pretty big, even for a man of science.

Man of science (re: not me)

So even as an author, I don't go to signings or ask questions.  They say "never meet your heroes", and I never do, but because I know it would be so awkward. My biggest claim to fame was that I was in the same auditorium as Neil Gaiman once (for Video Games Live). I already talked about my bad experience at Convergence (parts 2 and 3) and much of that came from the fear of interacting with people who I know, but have 0% familiarity with.

Even if I become a big writer, I dread of book signings and release parties. Not because I don't like them, but it takes such a talent and charisma that I simply don't have. Just look at this article from J.A. Konrath. He outlines word-for-word a potential scenario and I'm like "I could never do that. I'd be hiding in the Religious Fiction section.".

See, the thing is, I've also never really understood why autographs are special. I don't understand what someone's signature means, and I'm sure that's just me. Maybe you get 10 seconds of interaction with the person you idolize, but that would be so awkward for me.  I would repeat it in my head over and over and over again, thinking things like "I should have said this" or "I sounded like a jackass" or "This would have been much better to say". I'm a revisionist (although not on the level Patrick Rothfuss is). Maybe not revisionist, but a rethinker. My first draft always undergoes heavy semantic reduction. In other words, writing is better for me because I can always rethink what I want to say.

I'm not really sure what the point of this blog entry is. Maybe I'm hoping to gain a little sympathy from the fellow introverts out there -- the ones who write down things to say and then pretend to be comfortable examining a potted plant (TNG reference). Here's hoping we get to a point where we're not so afraid of striking up conversation. Hopefully before we get into a retirement home.

Why I Want Women to Succeed in the Video Game Industry

I recently read this set of strips posted by Kotaku and got to thinking that even after forty years, the video game industry is still making games without the broader consumer base in mind (pun not intended). Geek girls are abundant. Gamer girls are profuse. Yet I can't find games for my daughters to enjoy.

And that's why I want women to succeed in the video games industry. I have two daughters and I want them to play video games. Video games have always been a positive influence in my life. They were there for me when I was lonely. They inspired me to become a writer. The helped me bond with my future wife -- I would bring up my GameCube to her college and we'd play Mario Kart and Smash Bros. She didn't know an A button from a right trigger then (case in point: Kingdom Hearts), but now she can fight any Twilight Princess boss without needing to hand the controller over to me.

I want it to be the same for them, but I look and look and can't find anything for them.  At least anything that's not licensed crap like M&M Kart Racing or Hannah Montana Grins and Stands There. I've made something of a foothold with the new Nickelodeon TMNT. They love the show, so we play the old arcade game on my MAME emulator.  However, there are problems (beyond explaining who Bebop and Rocksteady are, and that Leatherhead is a bad guy in this one).  The three-year-old doesn't know to push buttons so I have to configure it so I play for her, and the five-year-old doesn't have the aggression to play properly.

We were recently on vacation with another family. Their seven-year-old boy was always playing some Flash combat game on the computer. He was shouting at the screen "ooh, oof, yeah, kick him, aw", playing some beat-em-up. He didn't care how he was doing, if he was winning or losing, he just loved to play.

Meanwhile I tried introducing Snoopy Coaster to my five-year-old on my iPod. They love Snoopy (another inheritance) and the gameplay is so simple -- touch once to jump. Should have been a lock.  After a few minutes, she turned to me and said "Dad, I'm not good at this game. You can play."

I wanted to explain that playing video games is not about being good or not. It's about having fun. It's about seeing how far you got. It's about little rewards like nailing an arc jump, watching everyone go around a loop-de-loop. But how do you explain that to a five-year-old? And we're not even playing the buff space marine misogynist stuff. This should appeal to her.

All the parenting experts and teachers say "Don't worry about teaching your kids to use technology, they'll pick it up in a flash." Yes, but will they pick up enough so that they don't need to rely on somebody to set their home page for them? I worry about that. And the first step to getting good enough is to love the device.

So when I hear about Microsoft's E3 "smack-talk", the fact that not one game only a scant few games upcomers featured a female protagonist or premise (sorry, forgot about Mirror's Edge 2, but there was a hell of a lot more hype given to the space marine and/or dark assassin genre), I see an industry losing touch with its audience (see also: Microsoft's Xbox One controversy, the PS3 "Share" button, and the poor sales of the Wii U).  Or at least unable to acknowledge that the audience is changing, more than from boy to man.

Late to the Game: Bioshock: Infinite

Hey, I'm not that late. Am I? Am I? I haven't accidentally read any spoilers yet, so I must be okay.

After 10 minutes of benchmarking (gotta get that frame rate just right), I was able to dive in. The first thing that happens is you're on a boat.


No, not that kind of boat.

Yes, that kind. Someone is rowing you out somewhere, and you appear to be in the middle of the ocean. I sure hope we launched from a shore, because these guys are going to have some tired arms. Given that we're going to a lighthouse, that appears to be the case.

And immediately images of Bioshock 1 and 2 float in front of your eyes. Vast ocean, lighthouse, little-to-no idea of what you're doing or why. There are some of the same trappings I mentioned in the previous games--things like jamming strange chemicals down your throat with windy caution. And there's lots of wind in a flying city.

But for all that, I find it more enjoyable than the original. It's a nice change  from the horror movie style of Bioshock with mutated freaks, robo-giants with drills for arms, and infanticide. No binary moral choices, no faceless main character.

What I've loved the most about Infinite is that you have plenty of time to get to know the environment. World-building is tricky, especially for what's basically a different planet/alternate earth. And the game's tutorial level gives you plenty of time to wander around, read things, hear conversations, and introduce everything without overwhelming you. And it's not boring because there's so much interesting stuff to look at (although at some point I was wondering when I'd get something to shoot).  I feel like everywhere I go I'm missing something important, because there's so many details. I want to experience all 31 flavors.

In Bioshock one, you're pretty much thrust into jamming syringes in and killing psychos, but you don't really get your motivation beyond "don't die" until the end of the second act. And even then, you don't know why/how you REALLY got there. Infinite has... less of this problem, but it's not gone.

You get your reasons in flashbacks when you get knocked out. And that happens occasionally. Infinite is trying to dispense the backstory in snippets like in a movie. The problem is, this is not a movie. This is a video game. I've said time and time again, if I don't know why I'm there, I can't relate to the main character. 

And that's important in this game, because unlike Jack, Booker DeWitt has a personality, has a past, has an identity. If the developers want me to be Booker DeWitt, they need to tell me who he is, why he's there, what he wants, from the first second. And I really want to be him -- the history I have gathered so far (Wounded Knee, pinkertons, absent wife) make him sound like an interesting character. They certainly did better than Jack or Subject Delta.

But so far, the motivation is my only big problem, and it's very common in video games. They want you to get to the action instantaneously. Everything else still has that Bioshock flavor -- isolated dystopia, guns and magic, philosophical themes. And I like the lighter color scheme, the Americana and earlier timeframe, the lighter environments. I think if you liked Bioshock 1, you'll like Infinite.  And if you didn't like Bioshock 1, Infinite fixes many things that went wrong, which makes it worth a try.

Tropes vs. Anita Part Deux

Oh look, Anita Sarkeesian made a new video. That only took her, what, two months and twenty-one days? And she's got 12 videos to make? Fantastic. At this rate, she'll be done by November 2015. Good investment for all those kickstarter contributors.


I feel like I should offer a critique like I did before, but I actually have fewer bones to pick with this one. The same issues I had with the last video remain. Like cherry-picking data -- she's starting with her point and then finding just the evidence that proves it. She doesn't consider the medium as a whole. If you only use movies like "A Serbian Tale" and "The Human Centipede", of course you're going to have a skewed view of patterns in the medium.

If I wanted to, I could make a great case about the representation of fathers vs. mothers in the same medium. We're vilified as being incompetent, evil, or unnecessary. Any movie about fatherhood is either "Daddy Day Care" or "Taken". But I won't because I'm already playing on the easiest level.

Then there's the failure to take into consideration the culture of origin for the games, i.e., Japan vs. America. Japan is not great with its feminism in the first place. They value style over substance. They don't make many original stories or take creative risks. "The nail that sticks up will be hammered down". Just look at the Final Fantasy or Godzilla.

Then there's knowing the audience. A dark and gritty game centered on violence/combat as the chief mechanic is going to cater to males. Nuff said. Video game companies do not make these with women in mind. Women simply are not the market for those games. I'm not saying women don't like those games. But their dark and gritty tends more towards Jacqueline Carey, Mira Grant, The Hunger Games, or various animes.

And that's what she's focusing on today. Instead of looking at any game from 2001-2013 that's sexist, she focuses on those "dark and gritty" games like The Darkness, Castlevania, and Shadows of the Damned. The damsel in distress has become the damsel stuffed in the refrigerator.

She did sum up the problem nicely. You give the protagonist a revenge motivation at the start or a savior motivation to work towards. It's a common way to heighten dramatic tension when the "damsel in distress" has been done to death. You simply up the stakes. Not only is she kidnapped, but she's dead. Not only is she dead, but her soul is trapped in limbo. Not only is her soul trapped in limbo, but it's become fused to a demon. Not only is she fused to a demon, but the only way to kill the demon is to kill her.

This makes it seem like the violence is for her own good, which is a common rationalization for violence against women. And sometimes it's the only way to "win". It's strange that even in this time of advanced games, mechanics and player choice, there are still games that don't allow you to move forward unless you pull a trigger. When you look at each individual instance, each game, it's not as meaningful. But multiple games together you see the common threads.

Side note: I love how when she's talking about Bionic Commando she first: totally spoils it (thanks for the warning Anita -- thank god you didn't mention Bioshock: Infinite), and second: fake laughs when she says that your departed wife is the central AI in your bionic arm. Lady, if that's what makes you lose your shit, you haven't begun to scratch the surface of real geek culture.

My main issue is that I don't really see a way around it. Female disempowerment goes hand in hand with dark and gritty. It doesn't necessarily have to, like in "Sin City" or Spawn. But for every Angela, there's a Wanda Blake. For every Miho, there's a Nancy.

The other thing is this is not so much violence or victimization of women, but lazy writing. These are all games where the only way to express anything is with a gun. And the only way to express love through a gun would be a mercy killing. I don't believe it causes violence against women, as Sarkeesian seems to imply, but treating a symptom doesn't cure the disease. No one goes out and beats women because they saw it in a video game. The same reason no one goes and shoots up a school because of a video game. (for more, see this)

If you play nothing but games like Infamous, Grand Theft Auto, Gears of War, and Dante's Inferno, will you get desensitized to it? Yes. But if you are victimizing women, there was something wrong in the first place. Video games like these are part escapist fantasy and part effects of the issue, not the causes.

By the way, it was about 6:25 when she first mentioned God of War. Although it wasn't in the sense I thought she would. Come on, you missed the multiple gratuitous sex scenes and Pandora's sacrifice? Anita, you're dropping the ball.

Not Dead Just Depressed

I'm not dead.  Just depressed.  Last week has not been the greatest, with things at work and home.  Nothing significantly traumatic, like a death, but lots of stress and feeling forever alone.

But I think that's all over now.  I filed my papers, said my pieces, and I feel better now.  And through it all, I was able to stay true to my one hour a day of writing.  Whether or not that hour was productive is it a bit fuzzier.

That's the funny thing about depression.  It's like a force.  You try and combat it, and it doesn't bat an eye.  You bring in reinforcements and it shrinks back... for a while.  Then it waits and watches for the opportune moment and then attacks.  It usually won't win, but that's not what it wants.  It wants to wear you down.  It plays the long game.

I guess the key is, if you don't want to bring in stronger reinforcements, is to wait it out.  Things will get better.  You might take some action, you might not.  But waiting it out tends to work.  The problem is each time, it seems to come back stronger.  And my question is, at what point will it become so strong that it overwhelms me.

Well, I still got a lot to write.  I got my trunk novel, I got a few short stories, I got my main novel.  I do what I can to stave off the demons.  I'm hoping there'll be fewer demons in the future, but past experiences says I still got battles to fight.

Needs

You ever have one of those days where you feel like you need something, but you don't know what?

You're not thirsty, you're not hungry.  Maybe you had too much coffee or too many pretzels and your body's full of unbleached flour.  Maybe the sushi you had for lunch was a little heavy on the seafood sauce.  Maybe you didn't get enough sleep last night, or too much.

You're not even sure if it's your body that needs something or your mind.  You spent all day reading or looking at pictures of snake-women (it's research for the book, I swear!), but nothing very stimulating or rewarding or challenging.  You basically sat and waited for the day to be over, tinkering out a few keys now and then.

So you get home and you're standing in the kitchen, staring into space, trying to figure out what you want to do/need to do to get rid of this icky feeling.  You don't want to eat anything because you don't need the extra calories and dinner's in a few minutes.

Oh, sorry, did you want a conclusion to this story?  Sorry.  Instead, here's a picture of a lamia.

Hot Girls You Don't Know About: Hannah Fierman

All right, since you can't get enough of Morgan Smith Goodwin, here's another. Let me introduce you to my new jam -- Hannah Fierman.

I first discovered her a few days ago in the movie V/H/S (which is an excellent horror movie, and I recommend it highly). She has a role in the first part of the movie that I immediately drew to. The first thing you see is her big eyes. I like girls with big eyes, it gives them an innocent look. But these are huge. They are unearthly, even. I do like girls that have an unconventional appearance, like Lily Cole.

Although I'm still undecided about the girl from the PS2 "mental wealth" commercial. She's intriguing and repellent at the same time. Sometimes I wonder if they did any CG or makeup on her at all. I don't know, I've never been to Scotland. Maybe girls there look like that?


But back to Hannah. Her eyes aren't her only claim to fame. The performance she gives is so subtle and nuanced that it's hard to believe you haven't seen her before. I can't tell you much more without spoiling anything, but trust me, it's worth your time. There's something about those little twitches, those glances, and her expressions, that communicates so much without speaking.

You can tell what she's trying to portray, without having any idea of what she's trying to convey.  Just something about it fascinated me.  

Sadly, there isn't much more that she's done.  She had a guest spot in The Vampire Diaries, but I don't watch that.  It doesn't surprise me, she's got a great future in horror, if she chooses to pursue it.  Much like Kristen Connolly from The Cabin in the Woods and Rose McGowan.  

And she has a role as "Princess Zelda" in "The Hero of Time".  As far as I can tell, it's a fan film, and it's one of her first performances.  Personally, she doesn't much look like the part to me (Zelda is blond, and has smaller, wiser blue eyes), but I haven't seen it, so I can't judge.

At this point, I'm pretty much rambling so I can put up more pictures of her.  What I'd really like to do is talk more about her in V/H/S, but I can't without spoiling anything.  Plus some of them contain nudity (which should add all the more reason to watch the movie).

Anyway, now's a good time to wrap things up.  I'm hoping I'll get to see more of her in the future.  Maybe now I'll stop getting traffic source search keywords like "Morgan Smith Goodwin feet".