For those who don't know, I'm also on Twitter (@theWallflower00). I don't tweet very often, but I like reading them when I need to kill some time. And there's a lot of wisdom and humor that gets thrown away into the oblivion of the Internet. I just favorited my fiftieth tweet, so I thought I'd kill some time and share the ones that tickled my fancy.
John Fugelsang
Archaeologists now believe the Mayans were only warning us about the MOVIE 2012.
Seth Meyers
"With the twittering and the tweetering and the the tootering..." #LikelyLineFromNextCosbyStandUpSpecial
Fake AP Stylebook
Avoid overuse of commas, as our insurance doesn't cover that kind of long-term care.
Neil Gaiman
#18thcenturyinternet You err in Seeking this PAGE, for tis neither THERE nor HERE. & to your Futile Search I say only, Four Hundred & Four!
Charles
Behold! A rainbow! Nay, even unto two rainbows! Even unto the full extent of the sky! O Providence! #18thcenturyinternet
Seth Meyers
Favre will be announcing his decision in a month long special on ESPN called ESPN.
Lore Sjöberg
Maybe we'll discover that all dinosaurs are actually Triceratops in various pupal, larval, and adult stages.
Scott Kurtz
Hey other male cartoonists: have you ever given yourself a boner drawing boobs? If your answer is no you're lying #justhappenedtome
Seth Meyers
If Favre was cool he'd land in 'Sota, grab two beers, take the slide down and yell "I'm back, motherf*ckers!"
Fake AP Stylebook
Strunk & White sure were a couple of dicks, weren’t they?
Jon Winokur
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. MARK TWAIN
Adam Carolla
Rules for online dating photos- Women must stand on a scale holding that days news paper. Men must stand in front of a 7-11 door w/ paystub
Wil Wheaton
If I had a million GP, I'd buy you a Vorpal sword (but not a cursed Vorpal sword, 'cause that's cruel.)
DRUNK HULK
THIS TUESDAY MOVE SLOWER THAN GOOGLE WAVE!
Conan O'Brien
Watching reruns of the Dukes of Hazard, drinking beer, and sitting with my wife, whose ankles are exposed. #suckitalqaeda
Joe Schmitt
Using a fax machine is easy. First get in your time machine and go back to 1983, then ask your secretary to do it for you.
Jon Winokur
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. KURT VONNEGUT
Felicia Day
Conversation on Eureka set: @neilgrayston: Wasps are dick insects. Me: yeah, if they were human they would wear Ed Hardy. @wilw: Tweet that.
John Scalzi
@wilw I've seen it about a hundred and sixty seven times, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT. (in reply to
Wil Wheaton: Spending a lazy Sunday morning watching Beetlejuice, one of my favorite movies of all time.)
Kevin Murphy
Don't give up on your goals! Unless giving up IS your goal then give up with all your heart. #MySelfHelpBook
Wil Wheaton
Dear Yankees: Ha! Ha! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ha. Ha. Hahaha. HAHAHAHA! Ha. Ha. Ha. Hahahahahaha. Ha. Ha! Hahaha! Ha ... My best, Wil
Conan O'Brien
If NFL receiver Terrell Owens called timeout during overtime, it would be a TO TO in OT. Who says I don’t know football?
Adam Carolla
4 Halloween,daughter's going as Katy Perry from her sexually inappropriate video & I'm going as a apathetic dad who can't set boundaries
OMG Facts SEX
34% of first kisses happen at a party.
Fake NaNoWriMo Tips
Remember, it's the Great AMERICAN Novel. Keep walking, Norwegians.
Scott Kurtz
Why does Glee work but Cop Rock didn't?
The Dark Lord
The reason the world is so screwed up is that people can't appreciate that the villian in your personal story is the hero in their own.
Teresa Strasser
Two choices for rom-com girls: free-spirited artist afraid to commit until tamed by love or uptight, cold, career lady too focused on work.
Jon Winokur
Ninety-nine percent of the world's lovers are not with their first choice. That's what makes the jukebox play. WILLIE NELSON
Stephen Colbert
If "Deep Blue Sea" taught us anything about hyper-intelligent army-trained sharks, it's that only L.L. Cool J is safe.
Funny Or Die
Superdome + Thunderdome = Metrodome
Conan O'Brien
When they’re not fighting or racing light cycles, I’ll bet the citizens of TRON spend a lot of time on the phone with tech support.
Seth Meyers
Congrats to Favre on his first consecutive stop.
John Scalzi
RT @joeschmitt: There are three types of lies: lies, damned lies, and servings per container.
Lore Sjöberg
Currently shipping: WALL-E and Johnny 5.
Stephen Colbert
Safest job in showbiz? The Fox NFL Sunday Dancing Robot. That thing cannot be fired.
Funny Or Die
People will let you down. A sandwich won't. And yet...people make sandwiches. Life's big questions are tough.
Frank Conniff
Green Hornet bombing. But don't today's kids love 1930s radio shows? Does this mean Fibber McGee & Molly reboot is off?
Brandon Mendelson
I found Batman with Adam West is more enjoyable when you pretend it's a documentary about a rich schizophrenic and his gay friend.
Frank Conniff
Turns out unwritten screenplays are ineligible for Oscars. If not for this technicality I totally would've been nominated!
John Scalzi
Showing Athena "Blade II." Because the only time a vampire should sparkle is when it disintegrates.
Frank Conniff
Surgery on Charlie Sheen's abdomen will be first time the phrase "side splitting" is associated with "Two & A Half Men."
Frank Conniff
US Dietary Guidelines say cut salt. I say bullshit! I'd say more, but pain in my chest & left arm making it hard to type.
Emo Philips
Don't wear fur! Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?
Noah Antwiler
If only I could get @Scarlettopia to wear a Yuna costume for FFX-2.
Jon Winokur
News is what people want to keep hidden; everything else is publicity. BILL MOYERS #quote #quotes #quotation
Jon Winokur
We learn from history that we do not learn from history. GEORGE FRIEDRICH WILHELM HEGEL
Sandeep Parikh
I sneezed on my kindle and therefore every page of Girl with a Dragon Tattoo.
Homer J. Simpson
I hope Toy Story 3 wins Best Picture. And, for shutting my kids up for 90 minutes, it should get the Nobel Prize. #Oscars
Stephen Colbert
My new iPad is going to completely revolutionize the way I constantly mention my new iPad!Labels: quotes, Twitter