Misfit Toys

Here's what I don't get. You know in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" where they have the Island of Misfit Toys? That's where Charlie-in-the-Box blows the conch shell and they all go hunting for the spotted elephant. Then the cowboy on the ostrich shoots it with the water gun that shoots jelly. He sticks its polka-dotted trunk on a pike and they all dance around it? Wait... wrong island. That's Lord of the Flies.

That's the one. It has the stuttering boat that can't f-f-float and the bird that doesn't fly, it swims. They're all misfits. Except one, far as I can tell. What's the deal with the doll? There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with her. The only reference made to her situation is the line in their song "The Most Wonderful Day of the Year" when they're wishing they could be the kind of toys that Santa Claus delivers. Her line is "A dolly for Sue -- the kind that will even say 'how do you do?'"

And she's a fairly prominent citizen on this island. She's the only girl toy and she has a lot of lines. She's the one most emotionally affected. Oh, come on. You don't get a little misty when she intones "I don't think I have any dreams left to dream" while big mercury teardrops fall down her face. But it bothers me that we never learn her deal. She doesn't have square wheels or clown shoes.

Or maybe it's something we don't want to know. Maybe it's something horrifying, too mind-destroying for a child's television special. Remember the Twilight Zone episode with the Talky Tina doll? Is there something going on under that skirt?

And maybe the most important question of all -- some family's going to receive that doll for Christmas. Santa dropped it right down the chimney without even a background check. What are they going to do when they learn the doll's horrible secret? A secret so horrible even we, the omnipresent audience is unable to know about.

God save you, family.