Navigation Bar

HOME  |   ABOUT ME  |   MERM-8  |   DISNEY VILLAINS  |   VIDEO GAME MEMORIES  |   OTHER WORKS

Quote Generator



Tuesday, March 12, 2013

My Top Five Favorite Porn Stars: VHS Edition (A.K.A. The Old School)


You'd never know it to meet me, but I've always been fascinated by the sex industry. Strippers, prostitutes, toy makers, hire-able dominatrices. But I only observe from a distance. I'm sure I'd fall into a quivering bowl of jelly if any of those assertive women approached me.

In 1996 (thereabouts), my dad got a "black box". This was when cable was pretty basic -- PPV was the best it had. No On Demand or music channels. What I would do is wait until I was sure my dad had gone to bed.  And this happened rarely because my dad always fell asleep on the couch with the light on, watching TV. I'd rarely still be awake when he went to bed at 4AM.  But on the occasions he did, it was time to strike, even if I had to get out of my comfy mattress at 11.

I'd put in a blank VHS tape, turn it to the Spice Channel, and set it to record. I got eight tapes of bliss this way. Years later, I connected two VCRs and compiled the highlights of all eight tapes into one. That was a good weekend.

All the material was semi-softcore. One X. Higher than Skinemax, but lower than the Playboy Channel. They didn't show any penises or orifices. All the blow jobs were from the eyes up. But I don't think I was ready for the hard stuff anyway (all those juices everywhere, the flaps of skin... yuckers).

But you know what, seeing the gushy parts isn't that important. Every actor and actress has those, and they're all relatively similar. What matters is enthusiasm, sincerity. The ugliest actress who's into it is more arousing than the slutty blond stick figure picked off the street.

And I saw so many of those. Men and women who just laid there, mugged for the camera with dull expressions, or stood stock still. Ones who looked uncomfortable (a lot probably were) or drugged (a lot probably were). But the worst sin in any entertainment is to be boring.

I like my woman curvy, vivacious, and enjoying what they do. That's all any man wants out of a woman for sex. For men, sex is pizza. It's very hard to ruin pizza. And these were my top five women of the VHS years (i.e., pre-internet) who made the best pizza.



A lot of porn actresses and movies claim to be the "girl next door", appealing to the Mary Ann audience. Most actresses interpret this moniker loosely, and act like narcissistic starlets or flashy queen bees.  They're indistinguishable from the stereotypical porn actress. Girls next door should be unassuming, cute, honest. Someone at your level. Granted, it's all lies in porn, but that's why it's called acting. I don't know who's defining "girl next door" for these people, but it needs to be re-explained.


But not to Brittany O'Connell. She looks unassuming, like she doesn't quite belong in porn. Her nose is a little big, she has a soft face with nice pale skin, gentle eyes, and cute bangs. She could be the girl at the supermarket, and you'd have no idea she's a nympho. Maybe that's part of the charm.


I've seen her play roles that she doesn't look like at all, like a corporate executive or a dominatrix. I think that's what gets me. She appears to have a likable, approachable personality. But in the sack, she's passionate and turned-on, a little bit wistful. She's not terribly steamy, but you don't always need that.



If anyone asks me (and no one has) I say that Jeanna Fine is my favorite porn actress of all time. There are probably better actors out there now, with better skills, better bodies. My favoritism is purely due to childhood attachment, which sounds wrong.


I was immediately drawn to Jeanna because of her "chattiness". Not many other actresses, at least at this time, talked during sex. Nowadays, they spout standard trite phrases like "give it to me" and "fuck that pussy". Jeanna was able to expand and improvise around her actions.


She could range from aggressive to passive in the same scene. She'd be angrily looking at the camera one second talking to you, the next she's staring off into space, overwhelmed and resigned to the throes of ecstasy. In every scene, she was present and active. She convinced you that she loved what she was doing.


Her body was great too. (I'm only saying "was" because she's retired. She's not dead or anything.) She had large breasts (implants, minus points for that) and a large ass. She wasn't skinny.  She was older and had a darker complexion than most other actresses, which gave her the guise of experience. She wasn't fumbling or experimenting.  She knew what she wanted, she liked it, and she wanted more of it.



Most Asian girls in porn are presented as waify, chirpy schoolgirls to be raped and abused. You can't tell if they're making sounds of pain or pleasure. Not Asia Carrera. She's not your typical Asian girl -- she's half-Japanese, half-German (I love her real name -- Jessica Steinhauser). She has long, luxurious black hair and a great smile. Her hips are a little wider, and her breasts aren't tiny or Minka-huge. She's a little on the tall side -- certainly taller than typical Asians. She has beautiful, big oriental eyes that indicate there's something going on behind them.


And there is. At 15, she played piano at Carnegie Hall. At 16, she was teaching college. Not attending. Teaching. (English at college in Japan). She got an academic scholarship to Rutgers. She was one of the first celebrities with Internet fame, coding her own website (like contemporary Wil Wheaton). She plays Unreal Tournament and wrote for Maximum PC magazine. Most other actors are branded as "porn for life", but not her. She was the hawt geek girl before we knew such a thing existed.


But let's talk about her on-camera performance. I don't know much about her character-acting ability -- the random movies I recorded never showcased her talent. But her sex-acting ability was superb. I was particularly fond of her MFF threesome scenes and her ability to orgasm on screen. Nowadays, that's pretty common. Either girls are more comfortable on screen or they're better actors. But back then, all you got was "um"s and "ah"s with no conclusion. Not from Asia Carrera.



Nina Hartley's a smartie too. She graduated magna cum laude and was a registered nurse, using stripping to fund her college.


Nina Hartley was the first MILF, before that became a thing. She was the oldest porn actress I ever saw (in 1995), and she looks it. She has wrinkles, weathered eyes, sagging breasts, less-than-perfect skin. I'm not saying that as an attack -- this is a testament to her staying power. It shows that it's not about how much you win, it's about how hard you try.


And Nina Hartley tries. She holds the record for most movies (almost a thousand) and probably has one of the longest careers. And at 53, she's STILL performing. She says it's because of her blue eyes and her big ass + small waist. I attribute it to her attitude.


Me, personally, I like the wrinkles and stuff. It shows wear, that she's been around. And she uses that experience in her scenes. Just because something's new doesn't make it better. Like Jeanna Fine, she knows what she wants and has no compunction about asking for it. That takes a load off a man's mind in bed -- we're always worried we're doing something wrong and not being told. You never have to worry about that with Hartley. She demonstrates confidence in herself, her looks, and her body. And that is the sexiest of all.



There are two main reasons I like Stacy Valentine. One is that she has an interesting look to her. She has a large forehead, flawless skin, naturally blond hair (fun fact: only 5% of women are naturally blond) and European blue eyes. There's a little meat-fat under her bones, which I like. You get a lot of bony chicks boning in porn.


The other thing I like is that she's not afraid to get sweaty. In just about all the scenes I see of her, a shiny sheen appears on her back after a while, no doubt induced by the hot lights and physical activity. I love that about her.

Now that I read over this, I'm realizing that the commonality between these women are that they're not afraid to be themselves, to show that they're not in the mold of what society thinks is the perfect woman. They have nuances, blemishes, humanity. They're not sex-having robots, which porn seems to think we want.

Honorable Mentions



She's a redhead with a great body. She reminds me a little of the Wendy's girl, Morgan Smith Goodwin, and the only reason I'm mentioning that is because its one of my most popular posts.



I didn't realize she shared a scene with Brittany O'Connell until I looked her up on the IAFD. It took me forever just to find out her name, which is unusual because she has a distinctive look. She has a broken nose, teeth that are a little spaced, thick lips. She has a gritty feel to her, similar to Jeanna Fine, which turns me on.


My two favorite scenes are one where she plays Cleopatra and has a threesome (with the aforementioned Brittany O'Connell) and one where she wears a French Maid outfit.



I never really knew this girl's proper name. The problem with porn movies is they have zero ending credits, which doesn't help when you start recording a movie part way through. Thus I always thought her name was Melissa Hill or Misty Rain or Missy. As you can see, I was way off.


The most distinctive things about this girl are her cute bangs and her large brown eyes. I never saw her do much acting, and to be honest, most of her appeal is in her down home looks. But she's very cute and shares a girl-next-door vibe with Brittany O'Connell.  I love the way she arches her back.



Another entry with exoticism. Most of Nici Sterling's appeal came from the fact she was British. She was the only porn actress with an English accent I saw around this time, and that just melts anyone. She had dark hair, a jutting chin, and classic English teeth.
Post a Comment