My Next Top 50 Tweets

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Playable Character by @theWallflower00 from the @dunesteef podcast. Is a fantastic story and must listen for geeks.
— leogodin217 (@Leo_Godin) March 9, 2011

Is going to celebrate Ash Wednesday the proper way- by grabbing my boomstick, slipping on my chainsaw hand & reading thru the Necronomicon
— Anton Strout (@antonstrout) March 9, 2011

Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass. ~Anton Chekhov
— (@Luludotcom) March 19, 2011

Hangover 3 premise- they wake up and realize there's nothing funny about substance abuse. (via @eddiepepitone)
— Funny Or Die (@funnyordie) April 4, 2011

Everybody thinks "The Social Network" is the best movie about forming a new startup, but they are wrong. The best movie is "Ghostbusters".
— Patrick Ewing (@hoverbird) April 6, 2011

I just learned Jews can't drink beer on Passover. That’s anti-Semitism!
— Homer J. Simpson (@HomerJSimpson) April 18, 2011

@feliciaday don't hide the funny juice!
— Sandeep Parikh (@sandeepparikh) April 19, 2011

The greatest trick Skynet ever pulled was convincing the world it didn't change its name to Google.
— Funny Or Die (@funnyordie) April 20, 2011

If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. THOMAS SZASZ #quote #quotes #quotation
— Jon Winokur (@DailyCurmudgeon) April 24, 2011

My sources tell me Osama was savaged by specially trained honey badgers.
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) May 2, 2011

Let's not forget the vital role Bush played in helping to find Bin Laden - he left office & went back into private life.
— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) May 2, 2011

It's snowing, in May, here in Minnesota, which has now officially changed its name to Winterfell.
— Kevin Br-r-r-rphy (@kwmurphy) May 2, 2011

Robitussin, work your dark magic.
— Noah Antwiler (@TheSpoonyOne) May 11, 2011

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies. FRAN LEBOWITZ #quote #quotes #quotation
— Jon Winokur (@DailyCurmudgeon) May 17, 2011

If there is a hell, it is modeled after Jr. High. LEWIS BLACK #quote #quotes #quotation
— Jon Winokur (@DailyCurmudgeon) May 25, 2011

It would be pretty cool if, on her last show, Oprah ripped off a mask and it was Michael Jackson. (via @robhuebel)
— Funny Or Die (@funnyordie) May 25, 2011

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife. She has thought much worse things about you. JEAN ROSTAND
— Jon Winokur (@DailyCurmudgeon) June 2, 2011

"Fashion is what everyone is doing. Style is what you're doing." Glenn O'Brien
— Jonathan Carroll (@JSCarroll) June 4, 2011

For those who want the Razzies to be televised, they do. It's called the MTV Movie Awards.
— Brad Jones (@thecinemasnob) June 5, 2011

@neilhimself "Anyone quoted by Neil Gaiman will eventually have their quote attributed to Neil Gaiman.' - Mark Twain
— Bill St-Icicler (@bstiteler) June 10, 2011

It's such a tiny distance between cockiness & despair for a writer, based only on whether what you wrote that afternoon was any good. #cocky
— Neil Gaiman (@neilhimself) June 13, 2011

Women are like countries: I've been inside 2 of them. One just because I was born there. (via @seanclements)
— Funny Or Die (@funnyordie) June 20, 2011

No one ever wrote a song about getting "Civil Unioned". #SeparateIsNotEqual #NY4M #NYSenate
— Josiah Bartlet (@Pres_Bartlet) June 24, 2011

Eating a burrito at Chipotle is like eating a stomach.
— John Francis Daley (@JohnFDaley) July 6, 2011

Goodnight universe. You are the best universe in the world.
— Neil Gaiman (@neilhimself) July 7, 2011

If NASA had any guts, they would dress the landing crew at Edwards as Apes to receive the Astronauts on their last Shuttle Landing.
— Daren R. Dochterman (@darendoc) July 8, 2011

The reason my eye is a nice soft shade of red is because Dave can't sleep without a nightlight.
— HAL 9000 (@HAL9000_) July 11, 2011

If the extra $4/month for Netflix is gonna break you financially, you really need to take a hard look at where your life took a wrong turn.
— Bryan Bishop (@BaldBryan) July 13, 2011

Don't talk to me before I've had my coffee or while I'm having my coffee or after I've had my coffee.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) July 16, 2011

Harry Potter is about doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend. -Stephen King
— Eric M.Clark (@emclark23) July 16, 2011

Any man who, having a child or children he can’t support, proceeds to have another should be sterilized at once. H. L. MENCKEN
— Jon Winokur (@DailyCurmudgeon) July 18, 2011

Welcome to the world, South Sudan! I should tell you, it's traditional for new countries to loan America 400 billion dollars.
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) July 19, 2011

Today I went on and searched "ninjas". The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found". Well played, ninjas, well played.
— Madeline Morrison (@Madeline_Anna) August 3, 2011

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone. That is why I read books." -Tyrion Lannister
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) August 15, 2011

Man cannot make a worm, yet he will make gods by the dozen. MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE (1533-92)
— The QI Elves (@qikipedia) September 12, 2011

If you made time to watch Jersey Shore tonight but not to email your resume, maybe stop blaming our President for your problems.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) September 16, 2011

“There are always two choices. Two paths to take. One is easy. And its only reward is that it’s easy.” -Unknown
— Ryan j Budke (@rjbudke) September 19, 2011

Trying to learn English? Pancakes are flat muffins, and muffins are cupcakes without icing, and cupcakes are mini cakes. BOOM, for real.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) September 30, 2011

Single women who ask "where are all the good men?!" don't really understand men.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) September 30, 2011

I don't understand the Avada Kedavra curse. Is there a limit to how often you can use it? Why aren't Death Eaters shouting it all the time?
— Karl Kerschl (@karlkerschl) October 18, 2011

I like my almonds like I like my women: a bit nutty, but good for the heart. #flirtyfoods
— Hannah Hart (@harto) October 19, 2011

Remember the days before personal computers, when we would just go around double-clicking on random objects?
— Al Yankovic (@alyankovic) October 20, 2011

I'm sick of PETA whale activists. They already Freed Willy 3 times & in 2010 helped him Escape From Pirate's Cove, albeit directly to video.
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) October 27, 2011

There I was, the first Libertarian President of bark bark damn it mom the dog stays outside this is my speech-to-text time #NaNoWriMoOpeners
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) November 1, 2011

Technically, all panties are edible if you're brave enough.
— Brad Williams (@funnybrad) November 4, 2011

Great novelists do extensive research and draw from years of life experience. But the half hour you spent on Wikipedia works too. #nanowrimo
— Fake NaNoWriMo Tips (@FakeNNWMTips) November 15, 2011

Hey ladies, we didn't sleep with that women to get back at you. We slept with that woman because she said "Yes."
— Brad Williams (@funnybrad) November 19, 2011

Herman Cain is thinking about dropping his campaign. Don't! Then we can't make any more jokes about you...
— Aperture Science (@ApertureSciPR) November 30, 2011

Google has hired over ten law firms to fight sopa , love you google
— Curtis Arnott (@Takahata101) December 16, 2011

I simply cannot understand why, if many of #SOPA's supporters admit they don't understand the issue, they refuse to listen to people who do.
— Noah Antwiler (@TheSpoonyOne) December 16, 2011